No weights, no pumps, just good old hypnotism – Jonathan Ames tries to make it big
The first time a girl puts her hand in my pants, I’m always hoping that I’ll feel big to her, substantial, but sometimes the new girl in my life will put her hand down my pants at the precise moment that my erection – because it has a life of its own, the damn thing – has temporarily gone down. “Why couldn’t she have grabbed it 10 seconds ago?” I often wail in my mind. In these tragic moments, I hope that the girl, while she’s holding my small offering, is forgiving and understanding of the male anatomy.
My particular male anatomy is an adequate size, I think. I’m no Kentucky Derby winner, if you know what I mean, but I seem to cross the finish line admirably. Still, I wouldn’t mind being a little bigger and that’s because sometimes I have been bigger. Once or twice a year, I notice that my penis is significantly larger. With about the frequency of a lunar eclipse, I will observe, as I am about to mount a woman, that I am more endowed than normal. “Why can’t I be like this all the time?” I have wondered during these unusual priapic episodes.
So you can understand why I was intrigued to land an assignment to visit Laurie Straub, a female hypnotist whose specialty is penis enlargement, or rather, I should say, Penis Enlargement, which is how it is referred to in Ms. Straub’s brochures.
Before meeting Ms. Straub, I spoke to her on the phone, and she told me, “I don’t want to mislead you – I can’t enlarge your penis in one session. My program is a 12 week program. What you’ll be getting is an introduction.”
“So I won’t significantly change after one meeting?”
“No, but you will feel something. Probably a tingling sensation in the scrotum. And since you’ll be in an open, suggestive state we can throw something else in to work on while we’re at it, if you like. But not cigarette smoking. That would take two sessions. What most men like to do is get their penis enlarged and stop procrastinating,” she said.
“That sounds ideal,” I said. “It would be great to have larger penis and pay my bills on time.”
Ms. Straub is a tall, statuesque, good-looking woman in her mid-30s, who bears a resemblance to the actress Rene Russo. My session was held at her fashionable New York City apartment, where we discussed how exactly she goes about her task.
“I know more about your penis than you do!” she said good-naturedly. “A lot of people say that it’s a muscle. It’s not! It’s soft tissue filled with blood. Three cylinders of soft tissue. One forms the head, two others form the shaft. Soft tissue expands more easily than muscle; that’s why it can enlarged. It’s like fat. ”
“Three cylinders,” I said, flinching. “I didn’t know that.”
“And I bet you didn’t know that your penis is actually up in your body a couple of inches. If you try to make it bigger through surgery, they cut ligaments to drop it and you have to wear weights attached to your penis to keep it down. That’s no good. And to make it wider it’s even worse – they insert fat. Then it’s lumpy. Not like you want it at all. My method is completely natural.”
Ms. Straub was led to natural Penis Enlargement through her work in natural Breast Enlargement, which has been a staple of the hypnosis market for several years now, whereas expanding the penis is brand new – Ms. Straub is just about the only practitioner in the country.
The principle behind it, according to Ms. Straub, is that hypnosis “taps” the part of the brain known as the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus, according to Ms. Straub, along with being able relax a person, also controls the pituitary gland. She believes that her program enables people to stimulate their pituitary gland, which then releases hormones – creating a sort of second pubescence – and this release of hormones can increase the size of your penis or breasts, depending on what you have. Penis or breasts, that is.
But her approach isn’t simply physiological. There is also a psychological angle to the whole thing. Through hypnosis, she hopes to guide men back to earlier emotional traumas which may have inhibited the growth of their penises. Her 12-week program, which consists of listening to tapes 20 minutes a day, is, she said, “a lot about undoing issues that keep you smaller.”
“Almost all men,” she explained further, “when they were little boys saw their father’s big penis, and then they would look at their little one. This is very intimidating. Or a girl in the sixth grade says, ‘You have a small dick.’ And you hold on to that. So one of the main goals of my program is to get men feeling good about themselves.”
We then decided it was time for me to be hypnotized. She pulled a chair alongside my own and asked me to close my eyes. With soothing new age music tinkling in the background, she talked me through a relaxation of my whole body and then had me slowly clap my hands together as if they were drawn by magnets to one another, which was her way to test her control of me.
Once my body was relaxed and my mind hypnotized, she had me visualize that I was in a bathtub and that warm, beautiful, magical water was swirling around my penis, and that it felt healthy and good. Then she told me my penis was getting longer and longer as the water whirled and swirled. In mind’s eye, I saw it emerging out of this turbulent bubble bath (I added the bubbles) and it was wonderfully large. And in real life, sitting in that chair, I was getting a hard-on in my pants and I wondered if Ms. Straub noticed this.
When she brought me out of hypnosis it was like coming-to after a very good massage. I was supremely relaxed.
“How do you feel?” she asked.
“Very good.”
“Did you feel anything in your scrotum or penis?”
“I became aroused. Is that normal?”
“Most men just feel a tingling. But it’s not too abnormal. Some men ask me if they can masturbate during the tapes. I tell them no.”
This seemed prudent, and I pressed on with our discussion. “Since this is your business, I have to ask you: do you really think bigger is better?”
“Men ask that all the time. And all women will say size doesn’t matter, but they’re liars. They try to be gentle. They’ll say to their boyfriends, ‘It’s not the size of the bait, it’s how you wiggle a worm.’ But when we women get together we say a whole other thing.”
“So women do talk about size!”
“Well, mostly we talk about what they do with it,” said Ms. Straub backtracking somewhat, “but we do say it could be a little longer, a little wider.”
She had me visualize I was in a bathtub and that warm, beautiful water was swirling around me. Then she said I was getting longer.
“Have you increased the size of your husband’s penis?” I knew Ms. Straub was married. She had told me on the phone when I first called her that her husband was her business partner.
“I’ve got to benefit from this, too!” she said, laughing. And then she said, becoming more serious, “My husband was very helpful in developing the program, because he has the parts. At first, he was skeptical, but then his penis started to grow and he was surprised.”
“Have you increased the size of your breasts?” Asking this question, I was allowed, within the context of serious journalism, to look fully at Ms. Straub’s rather lovely chest. She was wearing an open sport coat over a tight black shirt, and she further opened her sport coat, revealing to me the appealing bounty of her bosom.
“I made them a cup size bigger and I made them rounder. They used to sag. I went from a B to a C. most women increase by one cup size.” She looked down at her breasts; I looked at her breasts. Life was pretty good; she closed her jacket.
“How much do men increase?”
“One or two inches in length, and one to one and half inches in girth. I have over a 90 percent success rate. But if it doesn’t work, my tapes come with a money back guarantee.”
Ms. Straub then showed me before-and after pictures of the first men she experimented on. They were all close-ups from the waist down, and some of the photos showed men with small flaccid penises in their before pictures and then larger flaccid penises in their after pictures, and some of the photos showed me with erections before and after, and there was no denying from all of these pictures that everyone had grown.
“What would you say is the average length of the male penis?”
“Five and a half to six inches.”
I kept a poker face, not revealing whether I was average or not, but I recalled having measured myself in high school (when rulers were much more available), in the manner Ms. Straub had described, and falling very much in the average category. “Half-a-foot sounds better, don’t you think?” I said, and Ms. Straub smiled. “How do you advertise your business?” I then asked.
“It’s not big word of mouth with Penis Enlargement. People don’t want to admit that they’ve gone in for it. But Viagra has helped me tremendously because now people will talk about penises. So all my business comes to me through publicity. I know people do my program to make their penises grow, but it’s a lot more than that. It helps them be happier, reach their other goals, feel more confident. Once you get your penis to grow, the rest of life is cake.”
“I can see that,” I said, and I felt this was a good place to end my enjoyable interview with Ms. Straub and I thanked her for her time.
Then that night, before going to sleep, I mysteriously felt compelled to take a bubble bath. But having no bubble bath, I used shampoo and that worked quite well. And when I was in my lovely bubbly tub, I closed my eyes and I imagined the water swirling and my penis growing and growing. In the physical realm, my hand helped advance my mind’s inner vision, and several moments later, when I opened my eyes, I looked down and thought to myself, proudly, “Not bad. A good half-foot!”
Laurie Straub’s program, called MindQuest Hypnotherapy, can be contacted via email at www.hypbody.com
